Sorry we haven’t wrote anything in a couple of weeks when we
were suppose to be blogging for 30 days….Lets just say I haven’t felt the best
and life is super crazy as you all know.
We are 14 days away from leaving for Las Vegas
I asked the kids what I should name my Crohn’s/intestines
and Lily just looked at me weird. 10
minutes later she comes back to me and states “Monster” because it is so mean
to you and I am scared of it L So my
intestines are now named Monster.
Dear Monster,
I hate what you do to me and to my mind. You have made my life a living hell the past
2 weeks and it sounds like you are only to get worse and I cannot stand to even
think about it. It drives me insane that
I look “fine” on the outside when I have so much pain on the inside. I always wonder what it would be like to just
feel good for once but I honestly don’t remember what that would even feel
like. When people ask me how does it
feel, I want to ask how does it feel to feel normal? I have had 4 stupid surgeries because of you
and probably have another one soon on the horizon because you are rearing your
ugly head. WHY do you have to be closing
again in the same spot that I had my last 2 surgeries on? Don’t you understand that my life is to busy
to be out for weeks on end….I have 3 kids that need me and a job I love to
do. I don’t feel like its fair that this
a continuous battle because I am at my breaking point and ready to give up on
you and quit fighting so hard. Maybe you
are doing this right now because you know that I will get another look at
things when I am with the Team Challenge crew…I hope my thought is right on
that because I need a positive right now!
I am so grateful for my parents and all the love and support
they have given me especially over the past couple of days. I know they love me dearly and are scared at
the same time but put a smile on their face so I don’t think they are worried. Its ok to be worried? Because I am extremely
worried. I’m so scared that some day I’m
going to not be able to take care of my kids and that just tears me to
pieces. They are the reason I get up
everyday yet lately I have not been the mom they probably want. My mind is 5 million other places than at
home with them.
Some days I’m surprised Brian listens to me complain about
my pain but I think it has become 2nd nature after 10 years of being
together. However I feel extremely
guilty for not being the “normal & healthy” wife that most husbands get to
have. I am the sickly one that is in
constant pain, with all sorts of mood changes, tired all the time, have to stop
at every store to use the bathroom , and can’t understand why GOD choose
me. I do know that there are days he
runs from what he is feeling especially when I’m not feeling well and try’s to
avoid discussing it which is ok. I’m
just glad that he has been there for me during my hospitalizations and will
take care of the kids when I’m not well.
I don’t know another man that would sit in the bathroom with me and have
a conversation.
Lets just say Monster you are pissing me off and this is the
week that I am suppose to be thankful for what I have. Well I am extremely thankful for who and what
I have around me but not what I have inside me.
I feel like I could type forever about all the negative feelings I
currently have but I don’t want to let that occupy me. Lets hope that over the next couple of days I
can gain some positive feelings and I promise I will share them with you!
I stole this picture shamelessly from Lauren's blog...
If you have a minute, check out Lauren's blog...She says it exactly how I feel.
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